The End of Radio Silence.

Here it is. I'm breaking radio silence. It's been a year. A whole year since I've blogged. Sorry about that.

Why? Oh, lots of reasons:
-Insecurity (do people even really care?)
-Busyness (lame)
-My computer is broken (learning to share is fun!)
-Writer's block (what do I write about now that I'm not on the mission field?)
-Shame (once it's been a few months, why return at all?)

I could come up with more reasons, but they don't matter. What matters is I'm back. What matters is I love writing. Maybe I'm no Hemingway, but I do think better on paper 99% of the time. So there.

Catch up time. In the last year...

 We celebrated one year of marriage!

Here we are having a blast in Asheville, NC

I've learned and brushed up on ALL kinds of domestic skills like: 

Meal Planning, Budgeting, Sewing, Cooking/Baking... doesn't my life sound thrilling?
(Want to make your man happy? Feed him this Chorizo Bacon Meatloaf from PaleOMG, you're welcome)

Will and I began volunteering with our church, Cross Point, and totally fell in love with the people at the Dream Center

I might be stealing this little one...

I got a little crafty.

Decorating your home on a budget ain't easy! So I found a few things I like and crafted away. 

Rolling Island/Wine Rack (Made mostly by Will!) and Wine Cork Wall decor

Empty Frame Wall decor = something a little different than your average cork board

That's just a tiny snapshot... but I'd love to keep this going on the regular. I'll do my best to keep it interesting while I share my heart, what the Lord is up to, my crafts, my baking and cooking adventures, and everything in between. Stay tuned!

How to have a long-distance relationship.

No. 

I'm NOT claiming to be an expert. 

Promise. 

But, I do think I'd like to share my love story. Everyone okay with that?




Our story began in June of 2010, when my sweet friend Anna came to pick me up for a friend's birthday party. This kind of nerdy looking guy was sitting in the back of her car (I thought he was nerdy because he was wearing glasses, so sue me), and he introduce himself as her cousin, Will. Apparently we talked that night about how we both had gone to Auburn, and I had been in the same major as his sister-in-law. I didn't remember us talking. Whoops. 

Long story short, we started seeing a lot more of each other, and when he asked me to go to dinner, I agreed. I went in to the date optimistic but not too optimistic. I was blown away when we talked so long the restaurant closed on us. 

Our situation was a little crazy, because right about the same time Will asked me out, I has just decided to go on the World Race, and Will decided to spend a year doing missions in East Asia.  

So... we had to decide really quickly whether or not we were going to be a serious thing. 

(We decided we were)

It helped that Will was going to be out of the country too, although he was going to be living in an apartment in a big city and working with college students... so it was a bit different than sleeping on the floor and roughing it in 3rd world countries. But it was an incredible thing to have someone to walk beside as we were both fundraising and taking huge leaps of faith. 

Honestly, we truly felt the presence of the Lord in our relationship, and we felt like we were being asked to trust Him with the relationship--even though we only dated for 4 1/2 months before we left, to be apart for 12 1/2. We believed that if the Lord wanted us to stay together, He would make it happen. 

We prayed and prayed and prayed.

That the Lord would continue to be at the center of our relationship.

That we would NOT be a distraction to each other's ministries. 

That we would rely on the strength of the Lord and not each other. 

I think that praying those prayers was  HUGE.

The Lord totally answered. He allowed us to communicate WAY more than we ever expected (Who knew how readily available internet could be in 3rd world countries??). Even if it was only an email or two every couple of weeks. Somehow through email and Skype we were able to continue to grow in our relationship and encourage each other in our separate ministries, and God began to put the "M" word on our hearts. 

They say long distance (in our case, ridiculously long distance) is a relationship killer. But I don't think it has to be. I think if it's in God's plan for you to be together, He'll allow you to stay together. That may not be the case for everyone, but I feel so incredibly blessed that it was for us. We prayed for the relationship to be in God's hands and not our own, and he truly blessed it. 

So... I can't tell you what is best for someone else's relationship, breaking up or staying together. All I know is you have to listen to where the Spirit is leading you. If you have a peace in your heart about staying together, then listen. If you feel unsettled about staying together, listen. But also, pray, pray, pray for God's will to be done, for Him to be at the center, and for you not to be a distraction to one another while you're away, whether you are together or not. 

There were definitely times when I was a little distracted by the relationship, I'm far from perfect. But in those times, I tried to switch my attention to the Lord, praying to stay present wherever I was. It was something we had to both pray for all the time. 

It wasn't easy. Not at all. But it was good. And our story has a happy ending. I praise God for that every day.

Beating a Dead Horse?

You'd think I'd get it by now.

I haven't blogged since November, but my last post was about it too.

Thankfulness. 

It seems to be a lesson I need to/have to/will keep learning over and over and over. This season of life, being home from the World Race, has been nothing if not hard. There has been so, SO much transition:

3rd World Countries to America.

Working as a missionary to working as a speech pathologist.

Living in tight-knit community to living in a house alone (for the first time ever!)

Having loads of time to spend in the Word to fighting for just a few moments.

Sleeping on floors and rickety bunk beds to a fluffy queen size bed (spoiled).

Showering every few days to... showering a little more often? (whoops!)

Not knowing what the next week, day, or hour will hold to having the next 3 months of my life filled up to the brim!

Dating to ENGAGED!

Celebrating Christmas together for the first time!

And through much of this transition I've felt burdened by the weight of all this change. I haven't known how to process it all or handle it all. I haven't known how to be the person I became this year in a world that is familiar but also unfamiliar. So much is the same as before I left, but so much is different.

So I'm learning.
I'm learning s l o w l y.
I'm learning how to balance busyness of work, planning a wedding, and preparing for marriage with time with the Father.
I'm learning how to take all the lessons and beautiful things God taught me this year and share them with people around me.
I'm learning to live out the changes that God has done in my heart and love people more boldly.
I'm learning to to be engaged; to communicate, love, and live life beside another person.
I'm learning how to have community and fellowship with people without living in the same room with them and working side-by-side every day.
I'm learning how to wrangle and care for my students who cuss at me, kick me, pull my hair, and spit in my face. (True story)
And I'm learning (again and again) to be thankful, even when things aren't so easy.

My morning devotional says, "be thankful in all circumstances." 
The sermon at church says, "the foremost quality of a 'with God' life is gratefulness." 
My fiancé listens to a podcast that says, "tell the people around you that you're thankful for them."

Could it be any more clear where I need to focus my attention?

Instead of focusing my energy on anxiety over the future, stress at work, or moments of loneliness, I should have an attitude of continual thankfulness for all the Lord has blessed me with. My spirit should be lifted up to the Lord every moment of the day, drinking in all the beauty and the blessings around me, praising the Giver of every good gift.

And I'll tell you what, the moment I choose to give thanks, the burden lifts. It's insane. My perspective changes. I choose to give thanks that God has already covered the things I worry about. I choose to give thanks for the thousands of good things God has given me, that I am truly not entitled to. I choose to give thanks in advance for the blessings that are to come, even if I can't see them.

Dad, Mom, me & Ann at our first wedding shower!

Thank you, Lord, for all that you bless me with, the good and the "bad," the easy and the hard. Thank you for my fiancé, who loves me so well and sticks by me even when I'm not such a joy to be around. Thank you that we're learning how to communicate and love each other better. Thank you that I have a job and a roof over my head. Thank you that you've place children in front of me who need someone to love them and care for them. Thank you for a wonderful family and a wonderful new family that I get to be a part of too. Thank you for my health! Thank you for sweet friends around me who are so supportive and encouraging. Thank you for loving me even through my ugly moments. You are good, all the time. 

-S

Long way gone.

I've been back in the States for almost 3 months... but it feels much longer, so much of life has happened.

I feel I'm light-years away from the life I was leading just 90 days ago. In just a short amount of time I have melded back into the American lifestyle: My google calandar is chalk-full of meeting, dates, and appointments, I mutter unkind words under my breath when the car in front of me is too slow, and I may or may not have succumbed to retail-therapy a time or two to soothe the occasional anxiety or sadness.

Too soon I've begun skipping morning time in the Word and journaling my prayers. And I already feel the effects of the distance that is stretching between myself and my Father.

My life is full of blessings, though. I have an incredible fiance who loves me and cares for me deeply. I have a precious, supportive family who are so, so generous. I have the most amazing friends who have encouraged me and challenged me and spoken truth into me in this tough time of transition. But I too quickly have forgotten to thank the Giver of these wonderful blessings.

One year ago, I was ending my month in Tegucigalpa, Honduras. I had spent a few weeks teaching English to the most adorable (and loco) group of 11 and 12 year olds. The Lord began to reveal to me my passion for teaching. I loved standing up in front of them to teach them the English words for ropa (clothing), partes del cuerpo (parts of the body), and Jesu Cristo.

I found a little brother in Ariel, who brightened my mood just by throwing his arm over my shoulder. I offered him my hooded sweatshirt, because he didn't own one, and the Honduran nights were pretty darn chilly in his one room house with no heat.

My heart broke for Stefen and Carlitos, whose mom was constantly in and out of the hospital with severe stomach ailments and possible cancer. Because she was so sick, she could not work and provide food for her children or pay for their school fees.

One year ago, I celebrated Thanksgiving with 55 of the most amazing people I know, complete with mac & cheese, pumpkin pie, and stuffing (Yes! We found them in Honduras!). At the time, I was less than grateful for these abundant blessings... All I wanted was to be at home with my family on my favorite holiday of the year. I had to learn the lesson of giving thanks in all circumstances, and it was incredibly tough.

This year I got to celebrate two Thanksgivings--one with my in-laws-to-be, and one with my own family. Two Thanksgivings?? How could I not be grateful? But I wasn't. I skimmed past the "30 Days of Thankfulness" statuses everyone was posting on Facebook and didn't care to think of my own (numerous)blessings I should have been thankful for.

Hello, reality check. I may be a little late on the Thankfulness Train... but God calls us to have hearts of thanksgiving all of the time, everyday, every minute. Even when our circumstances or moods push us to do otherwise.

"Let the peace of Christ rule in your hearts, to which indeed you were called in one body. And be thankful. Let the word of Christ dwell in you richly, teaching and admonishing one another in all wisdom, singing psalms and hymns and spiritual songs, with thankfulness in your hearts to God. And whatever you do, in word or deed, do everything in the name of the Lord Jessus, giving thanks to God the Father through him." - Colossians 3:15-17

Do you get it yet, Sydney? Give thanks already!!

One year ago today...

One year ago today, I stepped out of a plane and on to Guatemalan soil.

One year ago today, I threw my giant backpack on top of a taxi van and awkwardly squashed myself inside with 20 or so Americans I barely knew.

One year ago today, I tossed my cookies on that taxi van in front of 20 or so Americans I barely knew.

Welcome to the World Race. (I get carsick.)

Who was I a year ago today? I was scared to death. I was mourning the distance between my family and me. I was thrilled for adventure. I was awkward around my new squad mates. I was so naive.

I had not a clue what I was getting myself into. Not a clue. We drove through the winding mountain hills from Guatemala City to Antigua. I unpacked in my very first hostel, Mochileros (Which means “Backpackers”). I slept in my sleeping bag that night for fear of all the crazy Central American germs and bed bugs. I made clumsy attempts to get to know my two roommates.

Could I have known that soon hostels would become an oasis in the desert for me?

A bed? Praise the Lord!

A (possibly) hot shower that isn’t from a bucket? Hallelujah!

A chance to be reunited and hang out with 50 of the most awesome, hilarious, faithful people I’ve ever known? Give me more!

During our launch training, our teams were asked to create a video project depicting “What a World Racer Looks Like, Acts Like, and Lives Like.” Ohhh, how very naïve we were… (and ridiculously bad at video-making)

I feel like I hardly know that person in the video. I feel light-years away from her. To say I am transformed almost seems like and understatement. I can scarcely sum up the ways that I changed this year or try to tell you who I am today, but I’ll give it a shot.

My heart has been broken. I can’t see the people the same way. When I see someone who is homeless or hungry or begging on the street, I can’t walk on by like I used to. I heart aches to do something about it. I have to make a difference. I have to show them God’s love somehow.

My eyes have opened. Americans, crazily enough, aren’t the only ones in the world. And the world doesn’t revolve around us. And it isn’t about us and how we can make ourselves into the most beautiful, successful, loved, perfect human beings. It’s not about us at all. There’s a whole world of people out there (who look not a thing like the American ideal) who God created, He absolutely adores, and He believes are beautiful, valuable, and perfect.

My faith has grown. And grown and grown and grown. I don’t see God the same way. He is so much BIGGER than I could even fathom. He is so much more compassionate and graceful and patient with me than I ever knew. He is beyond faithful to his children—He is beyond faithful to me, and He is beyond faithful to Emerson in Nicaragua, Pbee Mai in Thailand, and Magdalene in Kenya. He is with us until the end.

 God used these last 365 days to change me. A whole lot. And so, obviously, I’m not the same Sydney who left a year ago. And it’s going to take some time to figure out how to be the “new” Sydney in this “old” place. So I need grace. I need prayer. I need love. I am beyond grateful for an amazing family, precious friends, and faithful fiancé who are helping me through. But even when I don’t feel like “myself,” I just need to be reminded that (like we said almost every day in Africa) God is good, all the time. All the time, God is good. 

Dreamality?

Dreams and reality. Reality and dreams. Where does one stop and the other begin?

I am a firm believer that every person has a God-given dream deep within their hearts.

I am also a firm believer that it honors God when we chase after those dreams.

What was my dream? I wanted to see the world. I wanted to do big things for the glory of the Kingdom. I wanted to make an impact. I wanted my life to mean something.

Long ago, God placed the seed of that dream within my heart. He grew and developed the dream, and helped me realize it, as He grew and developed me and my faith. God called me to follow Him across the borders of many waters and many lands, and I said “yes.” It wasn’t an immediate “yes,” and saying it wasn’t without many a struggle and many an obstacle, but I did say it.

And I’ll never regret that I did.

But I will say that saying “yes” brought along challenges I never dreamed of. This past year I faced the ugly parts of myself, the ugly parts of humanity, and the ugliness and brokenness of this world. But through it I grew. SO much. Through it I learned lessons I never would have otherwise. Through it I changed. A lot.

And there comes the tough part. I changed. So, who am I now? A world traveler? Sure. A missionary? I suppose. All I know is I’m not who I was. And that’s what I wanted. I knew I couldn’t remain the same—I knew I didn’t want to.

But how do I live as the new me in this old life? It is familiar: I sleep in the same bed, I drive the same roads, I have picked up my old daily routine. But it doesn’t feel the same. Everything is different now because I am different.

I can’t figure it out. I don’t know how to describe it. When I was at home, I dreamed of going away. When I was away, I dreamed of being home. And now I am back home, and it feels as if I am in a dream, floating along somewhere in between the two worlds I know: the “3^rd World Country Simple Life Out of a Backpack” and the “U.S. of A. Familiar But Not Quite So Familiar” worlds.

Is it my human nature that can never be satisfied, whether here or abroad? Is it the great chasm between the two lives I’ve lived? Is it merely making the transition home that is so hard?

I haven’t figured it out yet. Being home is harder than I ever imagined, but I can’t really tell you why. I want to feel normal again, like myself—but what and who is that?? And how do I get there? How long will it take?

How could I have ever imagined that this is what it would be like on the other end? I have to keep reminding myself that, despite the seemingly endless variety of emotions I feel on a daily basis, there is One who is constant, who is my Rock. I have to remind myself that though I don’t quite feel at home here, there is One who is my Home, where I can always rest my head. I have to remind myself that even when I cannot see what lies ahead, there is One who can, who already knows, and who knows that what lies ahead is good. It’s always good.

I know I’ve been silent in these last weeks since I’ve arrived home. I haven’t known what to say—honestly, I haven’t known what to think most of the time. But I do want to say thank you from the very bottom of my heart to all of you who have supported me, in prayer, in friendship, and monetarily.

Thank you for making this dream come true for me.

Thank you for walking with me and loving me.

Thank you for being a part of my story.

What’s really exciting is that my story, my dream doesn’t stop here. God has much more. I don’t know what it is yet, but He is always stirring something. I fell in love with the town of Candelaria, Nicaragua. I left my heart in the village of Bakong, Cambodia. Maybe God will call me back. Maybe He has brand new adventures waiting around the corner. We’ll just have to wait and see. 

Welp...

So. Here I sit, or lie rather, on a Saturday night in Memphis. This week was rough. I had my comprehensive exam re-takes on Friday, so I was stuck in the basement of the U of M library all week long, studying (or attempting to). It was miserable because you know, when its the 3rd time you're being tested over the same material, its hard to make yourself care. Or maybe its that I am in my last semester of grad school, and all I want is OUT. Or maybe it's that I have been in school for 11 straight semesters, 4 years, no summers off. It's a little exhausting. I sound like such a whiner right now. Bear with me. 

So, all I wanted to do was let loose this weekend and forget the constant weight of school and life weighing me down. So when I got a bit of a sore throat on Thursday, I didn't let it distract me too much. Drink some tea, pop some Ludens, I'm good. So on Friday, when I'm about to get ready to go indulge in some much needed sushi with the girls, the (future) speech pathologist in me came out in full force: I decided to examine my throat for signs of anything unusual. An Oral-Mech exam on myself if you will. Lips: good, no signs of asymmetry. Tongue: red from throat lozenges, nothing out of the ordinary. Anterior faucial pillars: HOLY COW. (that's SLP talk for tonsils) They were ginormous. I mean, I had never seen such a thing, let alone on myself. I kept trying to think of something to compare them to size-wise. Dimes, no, nickels, no. Marbles? Blueberries? Raspberries? Needless to say, I was less than thrilled at my discovery. I immediately called Jan Woods, Nurse Practioner for a second opinion that I should have known I didn't want to hear. Go to an urgent care clinic? And miss sushi? heck no. Well, I called a clinic anyway, they were only open for 45 more minutes, they didn't take my insurance, blah, blah, blah. So I went and had sushi anyway, thinking, my tonsils would likely shrink by morning time. I was a good girl and went to bed early after watching a movie...

I pretty much did not sleep a wink. Maybe an hour, even with nighttime cold medicine and tylenol PM. I kept waking up whenever I needed to swallow which was extremely painful, and feeling like my throat was closing in on itself. I finally took nurse mom's advice and went to the ER at 7:30 this morning. Thus begins my miserable morning of waiting. 

7:55 arrive at E.R. I have to have my purse checked and walk through a metal detector. I love you Memphis. After signing in I begin to wait. 

8:25 They call my name. Yay! 3o minutes, not too bad! Only this was just a tease, they just wanted to check my blood pressure and my temperature. Back to the lobby I go. 

9:05 I am called again. All right, not so terrible. Oh wait, they just want me to pay. $50 co-pay, I love being a poor grad student. 

9:15 Finally go back to a examination room. 

10:00 The nurse practitioner comes in. I tell her my sob story, she looks at my throat, says I have Strep Throat. No throat culture, nothing. Fine. She says I'm not contagious through the air, but I'm not allowed to let anyone drink after my or kiss my boyfriend. The nurse will be in to see me shortly. 

10:30, I start to cry. Yep, I'm crying alone in Exam Room 15. I'm in pain, I'm exhausted, I'm alone and I want my mom. 

10:31 Then, the nurse walks in. "Are you afraid of shots?" No, crackhead, I don't feel good. So she says, ok, I'm going to need one of your hips. Oh crap. One of those shots. So I dutifully unbutton my jeans and give her my hip. And then she sticks the needle in my love handle. Uh. That's not my hip, why did I just unbutton my pants? Check your anatomy lady. Hip does not equal love handle. thank you. And then she tells me my leg will probably cramp up and I won't be able to walk. Swell. The doctor will be back in shortly. So I proceed to swing my legs back & forth on the exam table hoping my leg doesn't suddenly freeze up mid-swing. It doesn't luckily. 

11:10 Yes, 40 minutes later, still no sign of the doc. So after some convincing from my mom via cell phone, I poke my head out of my room to the stares and utter indifference of fellow patients and nurses. Finally a nurse comes by who I stuttered to something about I've been waiting an hour and a half, where's my doctor...

11:15 Anatomy-dumb nurse comes back to tell me "oh, she's not giving you any antibiotics, so you can go." So I just waited 45 minutes for you to not give me drugs?? So I walk out and guess what, it's pouring outside. what a glorious day! 

On the drive home I call mom back only to start crying again, I am so miserable. I am supposed to go to a benefit cocktail party tonight that I paid $40 bucks for a ticket to, and now its not even close to being an option. 

Ok, that was a lot of complaining in a short period of time. Well, I'm feeling better now, its about 7:52 on Saturday night, and I'm snuggled up with my puppy, Huey, trying to make the best of things. Maybe I just needed some rest. Maybe I need to be thankful I'm alive. Maybe I'm blessed in more ways than I can imagine and in the broad scheme of things, it's really not so bad. My $40 is going to benefit the Boys & Girls Club of Memphis, and they of course need that more than I need to dance and have fun. 

I realized something though, I don't like to be alone. Yes, at the end of the day when I've been surrounded by a million people, it's nice to have some alone time. But in general, I feel more at ease, more loved when I have my friends around. Maybe that's the problem. I'm not letting the Lord's love be enough. When the walls of my world start tumbling down around me, I "snowball." I start thinking of every little thing that is wrong in my life and start having a pity party. This doesnt happen all the time, but every now & then, like today. 

God's love IS enough. Why can't I see that all the time. He's sufficient to hold me up when I'm lonely, sick, overwhelmed, exhausted, drowning in the heaviness of life. He is all I need, He is IT.