Welp...

So. Here I sit, or lie rather, on a Saturday night in Memphis. This week was rough. I had my comprehensive exam re-takes on Friday, so I was stuck in the basement of the U of M library all week long, studying (or attempting to). It was miserable because you know, when its the 3rd time you're being tested over the same material, its hard to make yourself care. Or maybe its that I am in my last semester of grad school, and all I want is OUT. Or maybe it's that I have been in school for 11 straight semesters, 4 years, no summers off. It's a little exhausting. I sound like such a whiner right now. Bear with me. 

So, all I wanted to do was let loose this weekend and forget the constant weight of school and life weighing me down. So when I got a bit of a sore throat on Thursday, I didn't let it distract me too much. Drink some tea, pop some Ludens, I'm good. So on Friday, when I'm about to get ready to go indulge in some much needed sushi with the girls, the (future) speech pathologist in me came out in full force: I decided to examine my throat for signs of anything unusual. An Oral-Mech exam on myself if you will. Lips: good, no signs of asymmetry. Tongue: red from throat lozenges, nothing out of the ordinary. Anterior faucial pillars: HOLY COW. (that's SLP talk for tonsils) They were ginormous. I mean, I had never seen such a thing, let alone on myself. I kept trying to think of something to compare them to size-wise. Dimes, no, nickels, no. Marbles? Blueberries? Raspberries? Needless to say, I was less than thrilled at my discovery. I immediately called Jan Woods, Nurse Practioner for a second opinion that I should have known I didn't want to hear. Go to an urgent care clinic? And miss sushi? heck no. Well, I called a clinic anyway, they were only open for 45 more minutes, they didn't take my insurance, blah, blah, blah. So I went and had sushi anyway, thinking, my tonsils would likely shrink by morning time. I was a good girl and went to bed early after watching a movie...

I pretty much did not sleep a wink. Maybe an hour, even with nighttime cold medicine and tylenol PM. I kept waking up whenever I needed to swallow which was extremely painful, and feeling like my throat was closing in on itself. I finally took nurse mom's advice and went to the ER at 7:30 this morning. Thus begins my miserable morning of waiting. 

7:55 arrive at E.R. I have to have my purse checked and walk through a metal detector. I love you Memphis. After signing in I begin to wait. 

8:25 They call my name. Yay! 3o minutes, not too bad! Only this was just a tease, they just wanted to check my blood pressure and my temperature. Back to the lobby I go. 

9:05 I am called again. All right, not so terrible. Oh wait, they just want me to pay. $50 co-pay, I love being a poor grad student. 

9:15 Finally go back to a examination room. 

10:00 The nurse practitioner comes in. I tell her my sob story, she looks at my throat, says I have Strep Throat. No throat culture, nothing. Fine. She says I'm not contagious through the air, but I'm not allowed to let anyone drink after my or kiss my boyfriend. The nurse will be in to see me shortly. 

10:30, I start to cry. Yep, I'm crying alone in Exam Room 15. I'm in pain, I'm exhausted, I'm alone and I want my mom. 

10:31 Then, the nurse walks in. "Are you afraid of shots?" No, crackhead, I don't feel good. So she says, ok, I'm going to need one of your hips. Oh crap. One of those shots. So I dutifully unbutton my jeans and give her my hip. And then she sticks the needle in my love handle. Uh. That's not my hip, why did I just unbutton my pants? Check your anatomy lady. Hip does not equal love handle. thank you. And then she tells me my leg will probably cramp up and I won't be able to walk. Swell. The doctor will be back in shortly. So I proceed to swing my legs back & forth on the exam table hoping my leg doesn't suddenly freeze up mid-swing. It doesn't luckily. 

11:10 Yes, 40 minutes later, still no sign of the doc. So after some convincing from my mom via cell phone, I poke my head out of my room to the stares and utter indifference of fellow patients and nurses. Finally a nurse comes by who I stuttered to something about I've been waiting an hour and a half, where's my doctor...

11:15 Anatomy-dumb nurse comes back to tell me "oh, she's not giving you any antibiotics, so you can go." So I just waited 45 minutes for you to not give me drugs?? So I walk out and guess what, it's pouring outside. what a glorious day! 

On the drive home I call mom back only to start crying again, I am so miserable. I am supposed to go to a benefit cocktail party tonight that I paid $40 bucks for a ticket to, and now its not even close to being an option. 

Ok, that was a lot of complaining in a short period of time. Well, I'm feeling better now, its about 7:52 on Saturday night, and I'm snuggled up with my puppy, Huey, trying to make the best of things. Maybe I just needed some rest. Maybe I need to be thankful I'm alive. Maybe I'm blessed in more ways than I can imagine and in the broad scheme of things, it's really not so bad. My $40 is going to benefit the Boys & Girls Club of Memphis, and they of course need that more than I need to dance and have fun. 

I realized something though, I don't like to be alone. Yes, at the end of the day when I've been surrounded by a million people, it's nice to have some alone time. But in general, I feel more at ease, more loved when I have my friends around. Maybe that's the problem. I'm not letting the Lord's love be enough. When the walls of my world start tumbling down around me, I "snowball." I start thinking of every little thing that is wrong in my life and start having a pity party. This doesnt happen all the time, but every now & then, like today. 

God's love IS enough. Why can't I see that all the time. He's sufficient to hold me up when I'm lonely, sick, overwhelmed, exhausted, drowning in the heaviness of life. He is all I need, He is IT.